It’s Saturday. I’m comfortably nestled into the couch, and Jake is munching on apple pie, whilst I am feasting on ice cream. It is, of course, time for Bambi.
As Jake takes his seat and carefully handles the still-warm pie in danger of imminent floor-flop as he sits, he is bizarrely singing the opening credits to Mulan. I remind him how long we have to go before we reach Mulan and he breathes a heavy sigh.
The first menu is very middling. Drab, hazy, impressionist style. Meh.
Trailers aplenty this week – first of all A Christmas Carol and Alice in Wonderland, as it’s an advert for 3D. We chortle. It’s so patronising watching mum, dad and 2.4 children gesticulate and grin at the TV in giant black glasses as if they’re Stevie Wonder. Also, The Lion King! Oh, I can’t wait for this. That’s a properly good one. Jake is just wondering when we will finally get a film in widescreen.
Tangled is next. Looking forward to that too. Oh, all those films ahead of us before we reach this. It’s going to be a long 2017. And finally, Cars 2. Very sour reaction from both of us. The less said the better.
We are informed at this point that Bambi is only 70 minutes long! How do they do it? There’s also a really lovely, light and stylish menu full of nature scenes before we start – the best so far.
We decide, upon prompting, to watch the introduction from Diane Disney Miller – we’re gravely disappointed to find it’s merely a disguised advert for a museum. (The script is basically “here at the museum we have a wide array of products for only $79.95, oh and one of the things here is from Bambi. Bye”). For shame, Diane Disney Miller.
Once again, we have the new logo with old music… it’s highly unusual.
After what has seemed like an eternity of trailers, menus and Diane Disney Miller, finally we’re at the opening credits – with a rather pleasant song I don’t remember. Jake spends most of his time laughing at people’s names. Some particular highlights:
Thomas H. Codsick (?!) and Dick Kelsey (har di har). We quickly tire of this.
J: I can’t wait to get rid of the credits at the start. It’s just not what you want to start a film with.
A: It does kind of kill the momentum dead. It’s like we’ve already finished.
We begin with a genuinely amazing (in comparison to Dumbo etc) opening shot that is by far the most photo-realistic moment in any of these films so far.
A: Oo wow, that is impressive. That is way beyond anything else so far.
J: Only a year after Dumbo!
A: Makes you think they probably could have afforded to put faces on those black people last week.
The shot keeps going… and going… and going.
J: They’re really showing this off.
A: Yeah, I get the point now.
Finally, we break, and are greeted by a bird flying in.
A: It’s an owl!
J: Hi owl!
As ever, we have the weird mismatch of animation.
J: It’s so weird how the backgrounds are so well animated but the characters are so simple. Like a watercolour with Clip Art on top.
A thought occurs.
A: You know what I’m noticing? How long we spend in these films so far watching people sleep.
J: And animals. Animals in general just doing shit.
We’re not kidding.
Eventually we see some animals waking up, going about their day. Including a rabbit!
This is basically the only thing that happens in the first five minutes.
J: I guess animation just allows you to do this sort of thing, you can’t do this with live action so it’s all still a novelty.
Suddenly, the assorted wildlife are being ordered to wake up, wake up! There is news in Sherwood Forest. The little baby rabbit – he’s called Thumper – has a rather noticeable voice.
A: Are those actual kids voicing the animals?
J: I think so! Back then they were probably using child labour.
The news is that our titular deer, Bambi is newborn and sleeping. We learn that he’s the new Prince of the Forest. Congrats.
J: Bambi is a prince, so there’s a monarchy in the forest – are there rebellions in the forest about this?
A: Republican tree-dwellers.
Straight off the bat he’s being scrutinised and played with like a Barbie doll.
J: Why are they making him parade around the second he’s born?
A: Well, look at Prince George.
J: Yeah but not when he was straight out of the vagina.
A: Pretty much…
Bambi gets up tediously slowly, and there is so much more clowning around with Mickey Mousing in the score than we have ever had before.
The owl we just met turns out to be really in your face and annoying, like one of those old people who talks to teenagers about Teletubbies and bubbles.
J: What a patronising bint.
A: I didn’t know Bambi was a baby in this, that’s news to me.
J: Have you ever seen this film?
The owl is actually quite scary! I mean look at THIS.
All the other animals gawp at Bambi and they all promptly fuck off as soon as Bambi gets bored. The power of the monarchy.
Thumper makes it known that he approves of the name Bambi.
A: Oh Im glad his mum has your permission, random bunny.
The dad appears – an almighty stag with antlers that would take your eyes out.
A: Oo, proper DILF of the forest there. The D stands for deer.
We don’t learn much about Stag of the Dump. More of him later.
A quick time skip follows, and Bambi is very slightly older. Not noticeably. I dunno really. Bambi addresses a bunch of birds that make camp in front of his face.
A: Eat them all, Bambi!
J: You know deer are vegetarian?
A: Are they? Imma check that. (Andy’s Fact Corner: Yes, the vast majority of deer are herbivores, but the odd one or two have been known to eat meat.)
To be honest, Bambi just kind of wanders about for ages.
A: Anything gonna happen in this movie then?
J: That’s the thing about all these early ones so far. They’re just so plotless. The only one with a real story was Pinocchio.
A: That’s probably why it was the best one. Also, it had Geppetto.
Jake notices something new here that is of great interest to me.
J: Bambi has a theme when he walks!
A: Oo. That’s called a leitmotif.
J: Thanks. I really needed to know that.
Bambi falls over.
J: Ahahahah dickhead!
I am more sympathetic.
A: Aww, he’s so cute. You know, I just kind of have it in my head that Bambi is a girl. I don’t know why.
J: He does look like one, actually.
Thumper is on the scene, ordering people about again like some special snowflake.
A: That rabbit is getting on my tits. He’s just not very likeable, it’s like he knows best.
J: And he has an annoying child voice, I can see why they don’t often use child actors.
A: He’s no Timothy Quentin Mouse. (Gone but not 4gotten ❤ <3)
Bambi tries to say “bird”. He makes a bollocks of it.
A: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
He eventually says “bird” so loudly when put under pressure that this happens.
A: Poor guy. He’s gonna get anxiety.
In happier news, he spots a butterfly and says “bird” at it.
J: That’s not a bird, it’s a butterfly, you stupid shit. Don’t you know the difference?
A: He’s a day old. Mind you… when Pinocchio was a day old, he was performing on stage. When Dumbo was a day old, he was also performing on stage. Bambi is a late developer.
J: Two films in a row about animals born at the start of the film.
A: And we’ve got plenty more to come. Lion King, 101 Dalmatians… I’m sure there’s more.
J: They like their coming of age stories, don’t they?
We are interrupted by THUNDER. However, we’re still distracted, as Thumper has a truly terrible actor who we just can’t see past. I’m not going to take the piss out of kids too much, but really – he delivers his lines at about 1mph with all the passion and sincerity of Tommy Wiseau.
J: Jeez, that is bad.
A rain drop falls, and a song begins to build with the sound of the drops.
A: I know this! Little April Showers!
For context, Jake always sings this to me. Weird to see it for real. The notable feature of this song is how the orchestra and choir are manipulating their performances to sound like various weather features, and the plip-plops of the rain are in perfect time with the voices.
J: Now there is some major Mickey Mousing here, babe.
A: God, you’re not kidding. That’s actually really clever, I don’t mind that at all.
It’s a very lovely song and you can’t help but admire the sheer effort that must have gone into that. It’s very pleasurable to watch.
A: Aww, this is nice. No one’s singing in this film, it’s all choirs. Huh. I actually kind of prefer it.
There’s also a mega excess of scenery porn during the rain.
J: It is very pretty, isn’t it?
A: Yeah, I can see why they’re showing off with this. Hard to believe Dumbo came out right before this.
A mouse runs to and fro to escape the horrid weather.
J: You’re going to get eaten by the owl, surely?
Thunder and lightning is also done through Mickey Mousing. I can’t emphasise enough just how cleverly done this is.
A: This is so sensory, it’s so well made for kids.
J: There’s a lot of sound going on – Sound and Vision! (Yes, he’s broken into Bowie).
A little cue in the middle sounds just like Rey’s Theme from The Force Awakens, and I love Jake for pointing it out. I’ve trained my Padawan well.
A: Hey, I’ve just realised, this is the first film to tell us when we are. It’s April!
Eventually, the storm is over, all is well, and we’re into the summer.
A British summer, presumably.
Bambi is offered the chance to explore the meadow.
Bambi: What’s a meadow?
A: Nothing, what’s-a-meadow with you?!
I laugh forever at this. Honestly, I’m chuckling about it for the rest of the film. I’m so proud.
Bambi asks about his absent father, and his mum rather bluntly jibs him off. Bambi doesn’t look too happy with how the conversation went.
A: Jeremy Kyle would be all over this.
Changing the subject, Bambi’s mum warns him about the dangers that enter the forest.
J: They mean hunters, babe. In case they get shot in the face.
A: Oh.
One particular shot here is literally done like an actual painting. It’s really eye-catching but surreal.
Jake gets a sad face rather suddenly as he thinks about something
J: You know, I bet everyone who made this film still eats deer.
A: Yeah. Well, hopefully no one who made Dumbo eats elephant.
J: They could use ivory.
A: Okay, well, I hope no one who made Pinocchio eats boys.
Bambi farts about in a puddle rather adorably, but a very pissed off looking duck isn’t quite so thrilled. Bambi and Thumper eat flowers and encounter this adorable little muffin, nicknamed (imaginatively) Flower.
Thumper is told off about not eating his greens by Mama Do The Thump(er).
A: Can you tell this is for kids? Subtle…
Thumper whispers silly things to Bambi.
J: You cheeky little rabbit.
I can’t tell whether Jake likes Thumper or not. I choose not to ask as I’m enjoying the mystery. Finally, something of incident as Bambi is introduced to THA LAYDEES.
A: Oh! A deer! A female deer!
I’m on form tonight.
The doe chases Bambi around, to an uncomfortable degree.
J: Jeez, no means no, love. What a rude, rude deer.
They flirt a bit (in the way that babies are capable of) and then Bambi is very befuddled and clumsy, and she laughs at him a lot.
A: She is really mean. Sod off.
Bambi gets very angry and pulls a Rise of the Planet of the Apes on her, yelling loudly.
J: Oo, he’s fighting back. Go ‘ed, Bambi.
The Mickey Mousing is getting really ridiculous. Hard to describe it in text and images, but really, it’s like a silent movie.
J: Every single thing is getting replicated in music. It’s crazy.
Suddenly, things take a very dramatic turn indeed. There’s an air of panic in the air, and suddenly all the deer run through the forest!
A: Is this where his mum dies?
J: Probably not, babe.
It’s a veritable stampede of deer! Jake sings The Lion King’s stampede music (you know exactly what I mean, don’t pretend you don’t).
Everyone’s safe. Deer Theodosia is there afterwards, and briefly encounters his family.
A: Look at his awesome neck beard.
Bambi is delighted to see his father, but James Potter doesn’t acknowledge Bambi, not even for a moment.
A: Aww but Bambi was so cute! That is heartbreaking.
J: You dickhead! Where’s your support payments? Get your act together!
Bambi’s mum explains that his father is the Prince of the Forest (I thought Bambi was Prince of the Forest. I guess it’s like a Prince Charles vs. Prince George set-up where you wait your turn but have the same title). (Andy’s Fact Corner: Yeah, pretty much.)
A: Oh, well I guess that’s alright then, your majesty, no need to raise your kids or anything.
J: He just turns up and does the local women and retreats to his palace. Ugh.
Pause, as Jake sighs.
J: Oh deer.
At last someone did it. You can down your drinks now, folks.
Quick as a flash, there’s another stampede, this time more serious!
A: Is this where his mum dies?
J: Wait and see, babe.
In the midst of the chaos happening around them, his mum can’t find him.
A: Oh no, I feel like this is it.
She shouts for Bambi, but there’s nothing doing. Bambi is all alone, until as if by magic (or abandonment guilt), Stag Night comes to save him.
As silence falls in the forest… a gunshot rings.
A: Oh no! Guess she’s dead then.
Guess not. Turns out she’s fine.
A: Oh! Good fake out. They totally got me there.
Bambi asks what in the name of frig just went down in that there forest, yo. Bambi’s mum reveals, as we fade to black, that “Man …. was in the forest”.
J: Man! That was a quick getaway.
A: Man! I Feel like a Woman.
We’re back, and now it’s autumn! The choir relay this information through wind noises, which again, I like a lot.
J: They’re not being subtle. They should get the choir to sing along… “Passage of tiiiiime”…
A: I hate autumn.
J: Why?
A: Its just constantly colder and colder, darker and darker. It’s miserable.
J: It’s a lot of peoples favourite season.
A: I’ve never understood it.
There follows, at this point, a lecture from Jake on the colour of leaves as they die – I tune out so massively that I don’t take notes of it, which Jake will later be slightly hurt by. I’m sorry, Jake. Please don’t leave me to watch Saludos Amigos alone. ❤
Weirdly, within a few seconds it’s now winter. The pacing is odd here. As you’d expect, everyone is having lots of fun in the snow, and it’s all very cute.
J: When are we here?
A: I dunno, December?
J: Nah, later than that. Did you know it’s more likely to snow on Good Friday than Christmas Day?
Thumper is back, and is still awful. He brashly honks that “The water’s STIFF”! Jake chortles.
J: It’s ice, what do they teach these kids?
A: Oh, I thought you were laughing at “stiff”.
J: That too.
Torvill and Dean’s Dancing on Ice!
J: Have you noticed there are no sound effects in the whole film? The music is doing everything?
Well, butter my arse, I hadn’t noticed that.
A: Wow, that is actually really interesting!
No sarcasm. That is majorly cool. Anyway, back in the Forbidden Forest, Thumper is getting a bit touchy feely with Bambi, it’s kind of awkward.
J: Does he fancy Bambi?
A: Guess they’ll be at it like rabbits.
Flower is reintroduced, and is as adorable a little ragamuffin as ever.
J: Is that a nickname that stuck, or did Bambi actually name him?
It’s getting mighty snowy in the Forest Whitaker, and as the snow builds and then fades, it gradually starts to fade into spring again. They’ve totally nailed this landscape stuff.
J: This means he’s nearly a year old.
A: Aww, happy birthday Bambi! Bet his dad won’t get him anything.
All of a sudden – run! Guns are firing!
A: Is this where his mum dies?
Jake says nothing. I fear for Mother TeDeersa.
Another gunshot rings, and this time I know it’s fatal. Mainly because we must be well past the halfway mark here. (Andy’s Fact Corner: We are actually just 20 minutes from the end. The pacing in these films is mad.)
A: Oh, she must have kicked it this time. On his birthday and everything.
J: Aww. Her carcass is going to be dragged off to make delicious venison.
You know what’s coming next. Mother? Mother!
A: Aww, people go on about this, but seeing it in context, it’s really sad.
Finally, Deerspicable Me does the decent thing and turns up to take Bambi under his wing. He drops the bomb that mummy done died. It’s a right pisser for Bambi.
A/J: Awwwww.
Daddy Deerest sounds very foreboding.
J: Who voices him? Better actor than Thumper…
He takes Bambi off, and we fade out.
And then back in, to later in spring. There thus follows a song entitled, I kid you not, “Let’s Sing a Gay Little Spring Song”.
This is hilarious. I laugh heartily.
J: Oh, come on, babe, gay had a very different meaning back then.
A: Nah, I like to think it means, let’s sing a really gay song like In The Navy or Spice Up Your Life.
The owl is back, still sat in his tree house like a sinister Bart Simpson.
A: You’re still alive and Bambi’s mum isn’t? Get in the grave, owl.
Another scary, scary zoom on the owl’s face. If you don’t believe me…
…yeah.
To see out Let’s All Sing About Willies, the owl presents his bum and then moans about it all.
He abruptly falls asleep. Does anyone stay awake for longer than five minutes in the Disney canon?
A: More sleeping!
J: Not if Bambi can help it. Look at him! He’s so manly.
He’s not kidding. Bambi has had a growth spurt and gone through the magical sparkly adventure that is puberty. That explains the latest time skip.
A: Oo, he has a manly voice now too.
J: He’s a little twink.
Stop the presses and crack open the champagne, because it’s not just Bambi… Thumper has been recast!
A/J: YAAAAY!
So has Flower, who’s also here!
J: This is like a high school reunion.
A: The Forest Awakens.
They talk about everyone getting horny at spring. They are teenagers after all. In what must surely be the most ill-conceived conversation we’ve yet to witness in these films, the owl has “the talk” with Bambi. Pass the bucket.
A: Surely Bambi’s dad should be having this chat with him.
J: His dad’s too “important” for that.
The owl explains how you meet a woman, “and then you completely lose your head!”
J: Your penis head.
It’s all very sinister indeed and more than a little overdramatic.
J: Is he trying to scare them into never trying sex? It’s coming across that way.
They all proudly declare to never have sex and dance away.
J: Let’s sing a gay little spring song, indeed.
This apparent Forest of Gaytopia isn’t to be however, as they all fall one by one to THA LAYDEEZ. First of all, Flower meets a lady-Flower. She actually appears in the flowers.
J: Creepy.
There’s a certain chemistry.
A: She wants it.
This happens to Flower.
J: He got hard!
A: Haha! Oh my god! They really hid that in plain sight.
Bambi and Thumper leave him behind to his lover of 20 seconds like a lesser Doctor Who companion and that’s the end of it. Now it’s Thumper’s turn, as he meets Jessica Rabbit.
A: She wants it.
J: So far in this film, everyone has been constantly having babies or being pounded.
A: Yeah, it’s a weirdly sexual film, isn’t it?
J: They’re also playing this as the women hypnotising the men, like it’s all their fault. I don’t like it.
As for this imagery…
A: Yeah, not very subtle.
Now it’s Bambi’s turn to get it onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn as U A Stupid Doe returns (remember her? It’s been a long blog this week). She’s called Faline and she too has grown up. She goes right in and licks Bambi’s face. He seemingly drops dead and goes to heaven.
Interestingly however, a larger and more threatening deer also in the vicinity is NOT HAPPY and takes issue with Bambi.
A: Oo, they’re actually doing this realistically, with alpha males. This is very interesting.
FIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
A: What the hell’s happening with the lighting?
J: Evolution in action here.
A: You mean like in Fantasia?
J: You don’t say that word in this house.
Jake applauds as Bambi wins the duel.
J: You did it! Now go and take a woman as your prize.
Bambi don’t need telling twice.
A: I love that cheesy fade-out as they head off to have sex.
The choir are back in the house to sing them to “sleep”, but before that there’s a whole load of dancing. The music is absolutely on point with them.
A: All this stuff with the Mickey Mousing is so clever. I genuinely love that.
Their dance goes on and on and on and on.
J: Ugh, stop being such a tease.
A: I think they’re having sex the whole time here. It’s a metaphor.
J: No…. NOW they’re having sex.
They kiss, and fade out. I suspect Jake may be right, and he looks curiously pleased for Bambi. Ew.
Something’s afoot the next morning. There’s a mood in the air. You guessed it, Man is back in the forest.
Martha My Deer turns up to crap out an exposition turd. Bambi and Staggie Thatcher are on a mission to the forest.
A: Are they going to kill all the men?
Who knows? We’re yet to discover as we’re back in Forrested Development, where Faline wakes up and does a “MOTHER? MOTHER?” of her own. (Replacing “mother” for “Bambi”. Obviously.)
The mission is very much underway, and we see a pillar of smoke from the edge of the forest.
A: What’s going on here?
J: Men.
A: Say no more.
But it’s too late. I know Jake too well to think I can do anything to prevent it.
J: Alright, have we got a weather forecast for you? Temperature’s rising… barometer’s getting low…according to all sources… THE STREET’S THE PLACE TO GOOOO.
Whilst Jake sets about enforcing every stereotype we try to avoid, a bird gets really scared of the oncoming men and flies off. It is shot dead and does a 10/10 faceplant.
A: Shit a brick!
J: Whoa, that was dark.
A: That’s the first time we’ve seen someone get flat-out murdered on screen. I don’t think I liked that.
Dogs are chasing Faline through the forest now.
J: This is genuinely terrifying.
A: It’s horrible…
Bambi has returned to the forest to defend Faline. He chases them off and the dogs head for Bambi instead.
J: Don’t tell me he manages to fight off a whole pack of dogs…
A: Yep, he’s done it.
Well, I guess that’s that then. Disney film, I guess. Off they gallop, and they proceed to drop a load of rocks on the dogs.
A: So now all those dogs are dead. Is that…good?
J: They can’t talk, so they must be evil dogs.
Want a big spoiler? Here’s one for you. Bambi gets shot!
As if things weren’t bad enough, the men proceed to accidentally burn down the whole frigging forest.
A: God, this is really horrible!
J: Careless men.
Pause. Again, I know it’s too late.
J: They’re never gonna burn again, guilty men have got no rhythm…
A: Really, babe? Weather Girls AND George Michael within two minutes?
No I-Deer turns up to save Bambi from the flames and gunshot wound. Somehow. Woop! They run and run and run and run and run and run.
J: Faster, Bambi, or you’ll burn! Aww, see, his dad does care about him.
A: It says something about how dark this is that I actually believe they might kill Bambi here.
The fire stops and everyone’s pretty much… “Well, shit”. Everyone’s alright though. Thumper and Flower didn’t burn to death, which is good news. Neither did the owl, which is good news in principle but somehow it doesn’t feel like it.
J: Are you having a laugh? Will you just die?
Bambi and Faline are back together.
A: Aww, I’m glad he’s okay. He’s no Dumbo but he is very lovely.
We’re into an epilogue to see the film out. It’s very “nineteen years later, all was well”. Thumper has had four kids!
J: Bloody hell, they’ve been at it. Well, they probably had dozens and only four survived.
Jesus.
Everyone’s here to meet Bambi Jr and Faline Jr, who now exist, by the way.
And in our final shot, we now see that Bambi is atop a cliff alongside his dad, who, true to form, promptly fucks off.
J: Bambi’s abandoned his kids just like his dad! Er… yay!
Talk about a big finish. Get a load of this!
A: Bloody hell, that’s an impressive ending though, that shot. Wow!
And with that, it’s over. Our overall thoughts:
J: Very pretty film indeed. Very unconventional plot. Lovely music. Bit boring but quite good! Not as emotional as I remembered though. I probably got more upset at Dumbo cuddling his mum than I did at any of that. Or maybe Bambi’s mum dying is so well known that it didn’t affect me.
A: I liked that a lot. Not as good as Dumbo or Pinocchio because it was just very slow and needed more of a story. Basically nothing happened at all until his mum died which was 20 minutes from the end. Very well animated though and really well made. Better than I expected.
That’s your lot, ladies and gents. And not only is that the end of Bambi, it’s also the end of our first era of the canon. You know how you’ve known the titles and plots and characters of all these films so far? They’re all classics, right?
Hehe. See you next week.
GAYS DO DISNEY 