It’s a lazy, wet Wednesday. Jake is eating a fake chorizo and cheese sandwich as we pop in the disc. We are drinking Fake Lilt.
The first DVD menu fails to excite – just images on a house. Poor start.
We’ve already lost the remote and pause for a second to find it.
Jake is insisting on watching the Blu ray trailers for films we won’t watch for a long time. Dumbo is on there though – that’s fairly soon.
Trailer for Princess and the Frog – we only watched that recently so we skip that one. That one is a LONG way ahead – December 2017?!
Second menu. The Magic mirror is talking to us directly– it’s highly unsettling (J: it felt like an invite to a sex dungeon).
“Now would be an excellent time to choose an option…”
We’ve just watched a full series of Black Mirror, this is not calming.
One version of the film allows you to watch with paintings at the top and bottom – mutual NO to this. Can only imagine how hideous that must look.
We begin. Weirdly, we get the modern opening with the castle and everything.
Jake: Wow this is really advanced animation for 1937!
Now we’re on the awfully old looking title card.
Andy: Christ that was jarring. What a hideous background.
Jake: Yeah, look at that font.
Andy: At least it’s not written in Comic Sans.
There’s a little “thanks guys” thing from the big man himself at the beginning.
J: Aww. Shame he’s dead.
We have a brief discussion about credits at the beginning. They do the whole lot at the beginning, which I expect will happen a lot. I hate it. We agree that George Lucas changing it is one of the many wonderful things about Star Wars.
We open, by the way, not on animation.
A: Is that animated?!
J: It’s live action. Weird, I completely forgot about this opening!
Silence while we read. Music is lovely. Snow White is introduced as a princess who is made to be a scullery maid.
A: What’s a scullery maid?
I still don’t know.
The book text goes on and on and on.
J: Is this comparable to the Star Wars opening crawl, do you think?
I don’t dignify this with serious thought.
The first shot of the castle is just a still image – not very impressive by modern standards, putting it nicely.
A: God this looks old.
J: I can’t believe this was in cinemas. I don’t remember it looking this bad.
A: Everything looks really blurry and strange.
J: Yeah, and its all a bit static…
The magic mirror speaks to the queen, but we are familiar with his sinister voice from the menu.
J: Oh it’s creepy sex dungeon mirror again.
The Queen demands to be told who is the fairest of them all.
A: I don’t like people who fish for compliments.
The mirror very politely tells the Queen that she’s not the prettiest woman in the land, and makes a whole bunch of excuses and solutions.
J: I like how he’s sugarcoating it for her.
A: He’s being very nice about it.
J: He knows to always say to her, “no, you don’t look fat in that”.
Outside, a ragged Snow White throws buckets of water on to the stone steps.
J: I hope they’ve got a drainage system.
Snow White breaks into song – screeching at a frequency only dogs can hear – about wishing.
A: Christ, that voice. Sounds like that thing when you bob your hand against your throat to make it sound all funny.
J: Sounds like Amanda Seyfried in Les Mis.
He reconsiders.
J: She sounds about 4.
As she wishes into the well, Jake asks an interesting question:
J: Did Disney invent wishing wells? Look that up.
I haven’t.
The voice echoes back from the well, full of water.
J: Echoes don’t work like that. That can’t work. There’s probably a small girl in there singing along and no one’s realised.
A: The well’s full of water, so obviously not.
J: The ghost of said girl?
A: Grizzly!
The Prince turns up, wearing a farcically “prince-y” outfit, and appears right next to her at the well and starts singing along (J: his arrival is pretty freaky, he just sort of walks into the garden and sneaks up on her from the side).
J: Jesus. That’s the 1930s equivalent of an unsolicited dick pic.
I raise a more pressing question.
A: Where are we here? What time are we in? This feels surreal because I have no sense of these things.
J: I guess it’s sort of medieval based?
I also notice the poor animation for one particular aspect.
A: What’s wrong with their faces? They look awful. They look like babies.
Things go entirely still at times, it’s very strange.
J: It’s really as if someone is just panning the camera across a drawing.
Of course, we are being very harsh here, no need to tell us. Please just roll with it.
A bird lands on the Prince’s finger and coos at him.
J: This baby-faced guy is apparently really hot. Even the birds want his dick.
Afterwards, the Queen threatens the Huntsman with death unless he takes Snow White out and cuts her heart out (because she’s the fairest in the land).
J: Why is she evil? What’s the backstory with this?
A: She’s evil because she just is.
J: That’s not good story telling!
She hands over a case to put the heart in.
A: That heart case just happens to have a stabbed heart on the front. What a fun coincidence.
J: I bet all of her storage containers are like that – maybe she has a coffee pot in the kitchen with a stabbed heart on it, too!
The Queen is a thorough cow, it’s clear by this point.
J: What happened to Snow White’s dad? Why did he marry this bitch?
On the edge of the woods, Snow White talks to a bird.
A: OMG that is the cutest bird.
I will not transcribe the many other times we point out cute animals – suffice it to say it happens a lot.
The Huntsman sneaks up on her suddenly.
A: This is all feeling fairly dodgy.
J: Well, he is going to kill her right now so…
Snow White covers her eyes as she sees the Huntsman raise his knife.
A: He’s not trying to stab your eyes, love.
The Huntsman stops and lets Snow White go, warning her never to come back, Snow White runs into the dark forest, and that’s that.
A: Can you believe they made a whole two films about that stuff?
J: They did?
A: Yeah, those Snow White and the Huntsman films.
J: Huh, I forgot those exist.
A: So did everyone else.
Inside the forest, Snow White hears a hoot and sees an owl in the tree. She yelps and runs away.
J: OH NO NOT AN OWL.
There’s a lot more horrible stuff in there though.
It’s a bit like the Forbidden Forest.
A Why is this unbelievably scary forest right outside the castle?
Also…
A: The animals look so good.
Last time, I promise.
J: So much easier to do animals than humans. Guess that’s why so many of these films are based on animals.
A: Huh. Fair point.
A bird starts to sing and the music reacts to what’s happening on screen.
J: I love this music.
A: Yeah, there’s a lot of Mickey Mousing going on. Y’know, when the music of the film represents the actions on screen?
J: Yeah, you’ve told me a couple hundred times.
He doesn’t let me get to the point that Disney invented Mickey Mousing, hence the name.
The bird screeches.
J: Is this where it blows up?
Snow White honks back like a wailing banshee.
A: Can she please stop singing? Her voice is unbearable.
I have no memory of this song, by the way. Jake does – he assures me it is not one of those songs thrown in for the Special Edition (darn you, “The Morning Report”).
The animals make Snow White feel better. She starts walking away, and comments “I’m sure it’ll be alright”.
J: Oh that’s alright then, let’s forget the attempt on your life and that you’re homeless and that your only family member just tried to remove your heart.
Some of the restoration here is really really good. Huge disparity between how good the characters are and how awful the backgrounds are in my opinion, Jake thinks the exact opposite. Meh.
Snow White spots a cottage (yes, the dwarfs live there, spoiler alert). She comments, “It’s like a doll’s house, I like it here”.
A: So patronising.
J: She’s not used to being one of the peasants.
She generally flounces about being happy about some such. Then she just plain wanders in to the house with her entire animal entourage.
J: She has no personality, she’s just nice and white. What are her political views? What are her ethics?
A: She’s clearly got no problem breaking into somewhere.
J: To be fair, only 4 people seem to live in this world.
A That’s it, that’s what’s weird so far. Where is everyone?
She comments “where’s the mother? Maybe they have no mother”.
J: And that’s why its so dirty, right? Nice logic Snow White.
A: I don’t like Snow White at all. She’s a complete backwards ditz.
Whistle While You Work happens.
I imagine I don’t need to recap it.
The animals clean the plates with THEIR MOUTHS.
A: Ugh that plate’s not clean! It just got licked by a fucking deer!
We both comment on how genuinely cool and clever this sequence is. No catch.
There is, however, an unbelievable amount of Mickey Mousing –the penny drops for Jake.
J: Oh, that must be why it’s called Mickey Mousing, this is a Disney film.
A: (sigh) Yeah.
We finally meet the dwarfs. They’re Heigh Ho-ing all over the shop and the mine is so insanely covered in jewels that you have to wonder why they’re not the ruling monarchy instead of the Queen.
A: What an unbelievable amount of diamonds in this mine.
J: Yeah, but there are only four people in the world to buy them.
They clock off at 5 – I can’t resist a brief blast of 9 to 5. What a way to make a living.
A: What does Heigh Ho mean?
J: They’re catcalling all the sexy ladies around.
They leave for home and they lock their things away – Dopey sticks the key next to the door.
J: What’s the point of the key if you hang it next to the door?!
A: Why do they even bother with Dopey?
J: I know. He’s gone a bit wrong somewhere.
A: Hmm. I think you’re implying something.
J: I’m not implying anything, it’s very explicit.
We draw a line under this conversation.
Inside the house, Snow White sees the dwarves’ names on their beds.
A: Those can’t be their real names.
J: Why not?
A: Bit of a coincidence that Sleepy grew up to be sleepy and Bashful is really bashful.
J: Oh yeah. Maybe it’s their work names.
A: Like Madonna.
She hops in.
J: Why is she just casually sleeping in these kids’ beds? For all she knows they all died horribly right in those beds.
The dwarfs notice their house has been broken into and yell “JIMINY CRICKET”! We both do a double take, that’s next week’s movie.
There’s some fairly hilarious music for sneaking going on here.
The dwarfs get all hesitant about heading inside.
A: Why are seven men with axes scared of going inside?
I take a closer look at the dwarfs.
A: What’s wrong with their noses? They’re so big like mine. (sad face)
This is a very tedious and extremely long scene. It goes on forever.
Sneezy does what the name suggests, and the most powerful sneeze ever seen blows them for what looks like miles.
More importantly:
J: HOW BIG IS THEIR HOUSE?!
A: There are seven full grown men living there, babe.
Dopey is sent up to see what’s happening.
J: They’re sending Dopey up because he’s the weakest, in case one of them dies.
They all run away when Snow White wakes up.
Dopey is locked inside by the others.
J: This is so mean! They’re leaving him to die! Now they’re all beating him up!
They are indeed.
They think he’s the burglar. It’s all very amusing, I’m sure. They all go in AGAIN with their weapons.
J: Imagine if they actually killed her. That’d be a short film.
Snow White is fiddling under the sheets.
We both chortle.
A: This is like the “Lumos Maxima!” scene in Prisoner of Azkaban.
They all purr over her sleeping body.
J: This is really creepy. This is just seven men all having a good stare. Mind you, she is sleeping in their beds, which is also creepy.
Snow White for some reason immediately pulls the blanket over her boobs when she wakes.
J: What you doing that for? You haven’t got your tits out.
Snow White reduces them all to one character trait as she gets to know them – labelling each dwarf with their appropriate name.
In this, scene it is revealed that Dopey has never even tried to talk.
WTF.
As Snow White gives the dwarfs the haps on what’s goin’ down in Royalvania, there’s lots o’ exposition re: the queen. The headlines are that she’s an awful bastard.
A: How is she even the queen if she gets hatred from everyone?
J: How did Snow White turn out so nice if she’s so horrible?
In the nicest way possible, Snow White is immediately sent downstairs to do the cooking.
The dwarfs then treat the word “wash” like they’ve never heard it before.
A: They are just a bunch of creeps.
J: Suddenly she’s their mum?
Jake says this following the alarming comment “March straight outside and wash or you’ll not get a bite to eat” (whilst doing a fairly good ‘I’m A Little Teapot’).
J: This is their house! Who does she think she is?
A: Go and be clean or STARVE AND DIE.
They all begin to wash in a trough (?!). They gape at the water like it’s some sort of mystical substance.
J: They’ve never even touched water before? What?
They all sing Brr Brr Brr, you know the one, I don’t know what it’s called. They spend so long washing up. So long.
A: This is so damn slow. Almost nothing has happened.
J :Yeah, but what is there left to happen? Poison apple, she falls asleep, she wakes up.
A: I just didn’t expect there to be so much filler in this.
The hygiene situation really is awful here.
J: Now, I know some people leave the bath water in for each other, but to share a trough with six other guys who have never touched water in their lives…?
Grumpy implies they rest of the dwarfs are gay, because they’re washing.
So yeah.
A: They probably are gay! They’ve never seen a woman before tonight apparently.
Jake is losing interest and is now on his phone. Endless slapstick japes to do with washing are growing tiresome.
Dopey literally drops the soap in the air NINE times. That’s the level of drama in this scene.
They all waterboard Grumpy until he relents and allows himself to be cleaned. Then they cover him with flowers and say “aint he sweet”.
This is all a bit… yeah.
Meanwhile, in Castle Town Central, the Queen fishes for compliments again.
It turns out it’s a pig’s heart in the case that the Hunstman gave to the Queen, and she is made aware of this by GlassFace. She discards the box and does a fairly good Thriller.
A: Aww, the poor pig. First casualty of the Disney canon!
J: And it’s not like the pig has no humanity – this is Disney.
A: Oh my god yes. That is horrifying. How dark.
The Queen goes into a lab and finds stuff “for disguises”.
J: Imagine if it’s just a jar of fake moustaches. “Hello, I am you wicked step-..blother! Yes, that’ll work!”
Of course, that’s not the case, and she whips up a potion to change her into a hideous old hag.
J: If she has a potion to make her old and ugly, why is there not one to make her beautiful?
Queen transforms.
It’s all very dark and Frankenstein-ish.
She labels her look as “a perfect disguise”.
A: That is NOT a perfect disguise. You look ridiculously evil.
Meanwhile, there’s a full-on hoe-down happening at the dwarves’ place – another musical number that only Jake remembers.
A: So they can’t cook or wash like ever, but they have a full band going including a very intricate pipe organ that is built into the walls? And one of them can even yodel?
Snow White shrieks once more to add to the improv sesh.
Hideous.
A: OH SHUT UP
J: The music is really nice here on the whole… but the whole thing is just really boring so far.
Dopey is atop a pyramid of dwarves and is now normal sized. It’s horrifying.
I still can’t dismiss, however, an earlier concern.
A: WHERE AND WHEN ARE WE FOR GODS SAKE? They have a pipe organ and also a banjo and a lute and a drumkit?!
They stop the party and ask Snow White for a bedtime story.
Snow White says “once upon a time there was a princess”.
Doc jumps right in with “Was the princess YOU?”
A: And robots… named Rod and Todd.
Snowy howls out Some Day My Prince Will Come.
A: Oh here we go.
Jake is really struggling to keep watching.
They all go to bed at last. I feel like we’ve watched this in real time, like an episode of 24.
Snow White prays for the good health of everyone.
J: Oh, so this universe has God? Good Christian girl with good Christian values. Who has a witch for a stepmother.
A: Who was her dad?!
Unbelievably, there are only 20 minutes left. Basically the whole film has been this.
The Queen prepares the apple with poison and then disguises it (by putting a fake moustache on it) (not really).
A: To be fair that looks like a really tasty apple.
There’s a disclaimer in the recipe that says Snow White can be cured by true love’s first kiss.
J: Love’s first kiss… does that mean she won’t be cured if she’s not a virgin?
The queen walks off cackling and doing full trollface.
J: I’d love her to just sell the wrong apple and it all be fine.
The next day.
A: I didn’t realise this all takes place in one evening and one morning. That sort of saps the drama out of it a bit.
J: She’s had all that filler bonding though.
As they all head off to work, Grumpy tells Snow White not to let anyone in.
J: What like you did just yesterday, you dunce? You just let some woman wander in.
Snow White later makes a pie and the birds help.
A: So unhygienic.
She pipes a name onto the pie.
A: Aww, she made it for Grumpy! Aww.
The Queen arrives! She has a natter with Snow White about her current setup.
Jake laughs at the witch using the phrase “menfolk” when chatting to Snow White. The Queen abruptly whips out an apple.
J: The evil laughter after saying “taste one” is not making me want to taste one.
A: She is hideously ugly and all the animals hate her. Not getting the best vibe here, Snow White.
The animals run to the dwarves for help. All very tense.
The Queen tells her it’s a wishing apple. Whatever the frig that is.
In Camp Dwarf, someone brings up the idea that the Queen might have got Snow White and suddenly they’re all rushing off to kill the Queen.
J: Someone suggested it and now they’re off. They don’t know for sure that it’s even happening.
Snow White takes a bite and instantly hits the deck, dead as Mufasa.
J: Very little to say now, because there’s actually something happening.
Suddenly there’s an almighty storm and the Queen is being chased up a very tall cliff indeed. The animation is very good.
J: Oh here we go, the first dark grisly death.
As this is all going on…
J: The thing is, none of them even went in to the house to check on Snow White. They just saw some old woman walk out and they assumed that she’s killed her.
Lightning strikes and the Queen is crushed by a boulder.
A: That was lucky.
The vultures that were stalking the Queen circle in.
J: Creepy. Did they know that was going to happen? Do vultures have psychic powers?
Snow White lies dead.
J: Now there’s no fairest woman in the land! Both the women in the land are dead.
Everyone’s crying.
J: They didn’t even know her! They knew her for a day.
Lots of text appears as a montage, explaining that everyone was very sad for AGES.
A: This is like the end of a real-story film where they tell you what happened afterward. “Bashful lived for many years and passed away in 1954 following a short battle with heart disease”.
The text comments that “The princess lay in her coffin”.
J: So she didn’t rot?
We’re back in the film, and the prince turns up to kiss Snow White back to life.
J: How did he know to turn up and kiss her? He’s just come down to kiss a corpse, if he didn’t know that.
A: The prince has literally no character at all. He’s just a man. He doesn’t even have a name!
J: He’s Prince Charming.
A: No he isn’t.
J: Oh, so he’s just a charming prince?
RESURRECTION!
Snow White wakes up and Prince Boring carries her off.
J: Yes, take me home to bed, after our second meeting.
She says goodbye to all the dwarfs.
A: Goodbye? Why?!
J: I love that they’ve established that she’s leaving forever just by him picking her up.
We end with a zoom in on a castle in the sky… for some reason.
J: Presumably that’s where they live happily ever after.
As if by magic:
Jake looks very pleased with himself.
A: Weird, the live action book. Huh, what a sudden ending.
We finish with some overall thoughts.
J: So, really boring until the end. What a bizarre film. It all ended in about 20 seconds.
A: Super boring for the most part. Hated all the stuff with the dwarfs. Still, considering it’s the first one you have to give them credit for all the good stuff, and there’s a lot of good things in there.
We’re done. One down, Christ knows how many to go.
Bye!
GAYS DO DISNEY 